Finding Family Read online

  Copyright 2012 Richard Hill.

  All rights reserved.

  ISBN: 1475190832

  ISBN 13: 9781475190830

  eBook ISBN: 978-1-62345-804-1

  This book is dedicated to my wife, Pat. If she had not pushed me, I would never have started this search. And without her unwavering support, I could never have finished it.

  Contents

  Foreword

  Introduction

  1: Revelation

  2: Moving On

  3: Another Shoe Drops

  4: No Time. No Way.

  5: Lighting the Fire

  6: Dead or Alive?

  7: Breakthrough

  8: Carol

  9: Ethnic Soup

  10: Lies

  11: Eleanor

  12: Michael

  13: Confession

  14: Paper Trails

  15: Lynn

  16: Tony’s Story

  17: Ray

  18: Plymouth

  19: Family Bonds

  20: Back in Gear

  21: Conrad

  22: Doubts

  23: Paternity

  24: Cookie Girl

  25: Rumor Revisited

  26: Roy

  27: Girlfriends

  28: Boyfriends

  29: Social Insecurity

  30: Transitions

  31: Inspiration

  32: Hitters

  33: Online Assistance

  34: Gerry

  35: Fathers and Sons

  36: Blues

  37: Decisions

  38: Results

  39: Reunion

  40: Blood

  41: Revisions

  42: Journey

  43: Mission

  44: Not Again

  45: One Final Decision

  46: Confirmation

  A Message from The Author

  FOREWORD

  No discussion of an adoptee’s personal history can be complete without a careful investigation into whom his or her biological parents were and why he or she was given up for adoption.

  There are at least seven million adopted children and adults in the US today. Knowing that a number of diseases are at least partly genetic, many of those children pass into adulthood wondering what health risks they inherited.

  Consciously or not, adoptees also deal with many more emotionally charged questions. What is my ethnic background? Do I have brothers or sisters? Do they look like me? What were their lives like? Are they aware that I exist? And if so, might they or my birth parents now be searching for me?

  In this fascinating, inspirational, and highly personal account, Richard Hill brings all these issues front and center. I found myself wondering what new facts would be found on the next paragraph and page of this personal odyssey to find the truth surrounding the circumstances of his birth and adoption.

  Combining conventional genealogy, DNA analysis, and good old-fashioned gumshoe detective work, Richard has weaved his personal story into a thrilling saga that should serve as a roadmap for anyone seeking the “who” and “why” of an adoptee’s birth.

  Although Richard’s quest was ultimately successful, you’ll see the journey was neither easy nor quick. Dogged persistence trumps luck when searching for an adoptee’s biological family and this journey is filled with moments of euphoria separated by weeks, months, and years of frustration.

  Written in an easy-to-read style, Richard Hill’s book is a guide for adoptees seeking answers to questions that have been covered (purposely or otherwise) by the sands of time. He has demonstrated that persistence and patience are the best tools for the adoptee looking to uncover the secrets to his or her biological beginnings.

  As the president of Family Tree DNA, the world largest genealogical site employing DNA to prove connections, I see many adoptees every week struggling with the same questions that Richard has worked to answer in this book. My hope is that by reading about his journey, other adoptees also will obtain the closure that Richard sought, and found, after more than thirty years of investigation.

  BENNETT GREENSPAN

  PRESIDENT

  FAMILY TREE DNA

  INTRODUCTION

  This is a true story. The names, places, and dates are all real. The people responsible for my successful outcome are too numerous to list. But you will meet them on the following pages.

  Without their individual contributions, the many mysteries surrounding my birth never would have been completely solved.

  For adoptees and countless others uncertain of their parentage, this book can be an essential guidebook of tips and techniques.

  The early part of my search predated the Internet. And genetic genealogy DNA tests only became available in the later stages of my story. But the many human factors involved in a successful search for lost family members are timeless.

  Science buffs and social scientists should be intrigued at the way DNA testing has opened doors for adoptees and others to overcome sealed records and decades-old family secrets.

  Finally, anyone who enjoys a good mystery or human-interest story is invited to accompany me on the roller coaster ride of my life.

  RICHARD HILL

  Grand Rapids, Michigan

  To know who you are, you have to know where you came from.

  —WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

  TELEVISION SERIES

  1

  REVELATION

  All families have secrets, some bigger than others.

  My family’s secret leaked out in 1964, the year I graduated from high school. The place was Ionia, Michigan, a small town halfway between Lansing and Grand Rapids.

  It was late August and a strange pain in my chest was keeping me awake at night. Since our longtime family doctor had retired, I made an appointment with Dr. Campbell, who now had my medical file.

  He quickly identified my problem as acid reflux. Heartburn. Thinking stress was the cause, he began to question me about my life.

  Ionia is a small town and Dr. Campbell had seen my picture in the local newspaper. Remembering that I graduated second in my class, he asked if I felt pressure to perform well in school.

  “No,” I replied honestly.

  He asked if I was nervous about going away to college.

  Again, I said “No.” Living on campus would be a new adventure and I looked forward to it with genuine eagerness.

  As Dr. Campbell thumbed through my medical file, I wondered what his next question would be. There was no way for me to guess—or to be prepared for—what he asked me next.

  “How do you feel about being adopted?”

  My heart skipped a beat.

  “Excuse me?” I asked. I must have misheard him. Or maybe he had me confused with someone else. I’m Richard Hill, son of Harold and Thelma Hill. Surely, he must have someone else’s file in his hands.

  When Dr. Campbell saw my stunned reaction, he looked mortified.

  “I’m sorry. I…I just assumed you knew,” he stammered. The expression on his face suggested he was now the one feeling a jolt of stomach acid. He had inadvertently let slip what we both knew was a life-altering secret.

  My mind raced.

  Why hadn’t my parents told me? They loved me. Of that, I had no doubt. Yet, why did they intentionally withhold a piece of information this crucial?

  We talked it over for a few minutes. Dr. Campbell tried to assure me that my parents chose to adopt me and would love me like any parents love their child. I said I understood. But I didn’t. Not really. I wondered why they had kept me in the dark about this.

  Nevertheless, I was on break from my summer job at Hub Shoe Store and had to get back to work. There wasn’t time for a lengthy analysis. So he wrote a prescription to help with my heartburn. Then he made me promise to
call him if my symptoms did not improve or if I just needed to talk. I knew he was worried about how I would react.

  In a daze, I walked the short block back to the store. Fortunately, it was a Friday and I would be working until 9 p.m. I had a lot of time to reflect on this revelation before going home to face my parents.

  As I half-heartedly waited on customers, my mind picked up pieces from the bombshell that had exploded in the doctor’s office.

  My old family doctor must have been part of a conspiracy that included my parents and others. The secret only slipped out because my medical records fell into the hands of an outsider. Had my old doctor not retired when he did, I never would have discovered the truth.

  In another week, this window of opportunity would have closed forever. I would have been living on campus where health center doctors could not browse my childhood medical file.

  Adopted? Me?

  I began to search for clues I must have missed. No, I didn’t look out of place in my family. My parents and I all had dark-brown hair. In fact, my Dad and I both had hair so dark it was nearly black.

  The author and his adoptive parents

  In the last couple of years, I had sprouted up to six feet four inches in height. So I was much taller than my five-foot, nine-inch father and my five-foot, two-inch mother. But many of my high school friends were taller than their parents. Hadn’t I read somewhere that this was due to my generation’s better diet and health care?

  One clue I might have caught, but didn’t, was the fact that my parents were a lot older than most of my friends’ parents. Dad was forty years old when I was born and Mom was thirty-four. That was odd, but apparently not strange enough to sound an alarm. I had never given it much thought. But now it seemed clear they spent a long time trying to have children before deciding to adopt.

  Now that I thought about it, just being an only child was a little unusual back then. Most of my friends had at least one sibling. But like the age clue, it wasn’t exactly a neon sign.

  As the store traffic slowed, I had a flashback to tenth-grade biology.

  Our textbook had used eye color as an example of how parents’ DNA recombines in a child. Brown is dominant and blue is recessive. So two blued-eyed parents should only produce blue-eyed children.

  Both of my parents had blue eyes. Mine are light brown. Puzzled by the apparent impossibility of my family’s eye colors, I had approached my biology teacher after class. Mrs. Stewart explained that the eye-color example was a simplification. For one thing, it ignored eye colors like green and gray.

  She went on to explain that scientists did not understand all the genes controlling our physical traits. Plus, there was always the possibility of a mutation that didn’t follow the rules.

  Since I was sure of my parents back then, I concluded I was a mutant. This was actually rather cool. Having grown up with Superman, Green Lantern, and other comic book heroes, I briefly wondered how else I was different.

  Biology class then moved ahead to sexual reproduction, which we teenagers found a lot more interesting than the abstractions of DNA. I forgot about the eye color discrepancy and never mentioned it to my parents.

  But here I was, a couple years later, with an entirely new perspective. My parents’ blue eyes now struck me as absolute proof of my adoption.

  I wondered. Had my biology teacher given me an honest answer? Or was she also part of this conspiracy to conceal the truth?

  That conspiracy, I deduced, must have included my aunts and uncles and my parents’ best friends. My grandparents would have been in on it, too, but they were all gone by then.

  I wondered if my cousins knew. Two of them were roughly twenty years older than I was. They must have noticed that their Aunt Thelma had never looked pregnant in the months before my birth.

  The rest of my cousins, however, were either younger than I or no more than a year older. None of them had ever mentioned my adoption, so I assumed they didn’t know.

  I would have years to speculate on these things. But I only had a few hours to make one critical decision: what was I going to say to my parents when I got home that night?

  2

  MOVING ON

  By the time we locked up the store, I knew the answer. Learning about my adoption did not make any real difference in my life. Harold and Thelma Hill were still the only parents I knew. They loved me. And I loved them.

  The fact that I was an only child eliminated a potential sore spot. I could never say they played favorites and treated a biological child better than they treated me.

  I was disappointed they had not told me the truth. But I assumed they had their reasons. I also knew that my leaving home for college in a few days was going to be difficult for them. So this seemed like a poor time to make an issue of my adoption.

  Besides, I reasoned, they might just be waiting for the right time to tell me, perhaps when I turned twenty-one. In the meantime, if they didn’t want to talk about my adoption, I would not mention it either.

  Looking back, this unexpected news arrived at the perfect time for me to accept it gracefully. So close to starting college, my focus was entirely on my future. The details of my past did not seem so important right then.

  By the age of eighteen, I was also mature enough to deal with the news more logically than emotionally. Had the secret slipped out when I was younger, the shock might have damaged my self-image or my relationship with my adoptive parents.

  On the other hand, not knowing earlier about my adoption had spared me from the psychological issues that plague many adoptees in childhood and adolescence. Clearly, my family and I were lucky.

  When I arrived home that evening, I greeted my parents as I always did: we exchanged hellos and I inquired about their day. Since I had called the doctor’s office from the store phone, they were unaware of my appointment. I chose not to mention it and acted as though nothing had changed.

  That wasn’t true, of course. In a way, everything had changed.

  I had lived in Ionia most of my eighteen years and knew hundreds of people. Yet every familiar face now triggered the same unspoken questions: Did they know I was adopted? Were they part of the conspiracy to hide the truth? Or were they as ignorant as I had been?

  As planned, I moved to East Lansing and began my life as a Michigan State Spartan. I loved the big, beautiful campus and the magic surrounding football games in the fall. In my junior year, I witnessed the famous 10-10 tie with Notre Dame from a seat on the forty-yard line.

  In addition to dating, partying, and watching football, I somehow found time to study. My major was physics and I received my BS in June 1968.

  The job market was strong that year and I received seven job offers, mostly in East Coast metropolitan areas. But I also had one from out West. And when I saw the beautiful mountains of northern New Mexico, I chose to work at the Los Alamos Scientific Laboratory (now called the Los Alamos National Laboratory).

  Another deciding factor was the escalating war in Vietnam. With my student deferment ending, working at a lab that did weapons work ensured an occupational deferment. In 1968, that benefit was more valued than health insurance and vacation time.

  In the two weeks between graduation and moving out West, I squeezed in one other thing: I got married.

  I had met Pat Franich two summers before at the Crystal Lake Palladium. Known for its quarter-acre dance floor, it had been a popular stop for the big bands of the 1940s. Now it was a gathering place for the under-twenty-one crowd on summer weekends. Pat was from Ithaca, an even smaller town, more than an hour’s drive from Ionia.

  Raised on her family’s farm, Pat had gone to beauty school and began her career as a hairdresser. By the fall of 1966, she had already switched careers and was working in an office in Lansing. Fortunately for both of us, she was living in an East Lansing apartment not far from the MSU campus. We dated my last two years in college and timed our wedding for the Saturday after graduation.

  I told Pat about my adoption a
nd explained how my family still thought I was unaware of it. When she met my parents, she played dumb, too.

  Naturally, I did wonder about my biological parents. Mom’s favorite movie was Gone with the Wind. I thought I could see myself in Clark Gable. For many years, I had a fantasy that I was the secret love child of Clark and some gorgeous actress.

  After Sonny and Cher appeared on television, I learned that Cher and I shared the same birth date: May 20, 1946. Like her, I was slender with dark hair. So my new fantasy had me being Cher’s twin brother, somehow separated at birth.

  Adoption is inherently a two-sided coin. On one side, there is gratitude that a nice family chose to raise you as their own. On the flip side, there’s a sense of loss. Your birth parents had to give you up for this to happen.

  Fortunately, the emotional coin landed heads up for me. I only felt the positive side of adoption.

  If I did have any unanswered questions about my identity, I was able to compartmentalize them and get on with my life. As the years slipped by, any inclination to discuss the matter with my parents evaporated.

  Near the end of our five-year stay in New Mexico, Pat and I became parents. Our first child, Jennifer, was born there in March 1973. She was the first blood relative I ever saw.

  When Jenny was six months old, I followed through on a career decision I had been contemplating for nearly two years. I resigned my position at the lab and went back to MSU to get a master’s degree in business.

  Family considerations were partly behind the move. My dad had suffered a severe heart attack while I was still in college. Unable to pass his employer’s physical, he never returned to work. That heart condition had kept him from accompanying Mom when she came out to visit us in New Mexico. His doctor insisted that the 7,300-foot altitude of Los Alamos would be dangerous to his health.

  Now that Pat and I had a child, we wanted grandparents to be part of her life. So we moved back to East Lansing for my stint in grad school. Beyond that, we hoped to remain in Michigan.

  The economy was down when I received my MBA in 1975. But I was able to land a job in Grand Rapids with Lear-Siegler as director of marketing for its new Automated Systems Division. Happily, Pat and I bought our first house in the Grand Rapids suburbs, less than an hour from Ionia.